life's unfolding....growing..

i was out yesterday at a hospital with a bunch of youngsters...most of them atleast a decade younger to me... there was so much excitement, so much hope, so much vision all around.. got to talk to a few of them, with questions preceded by my favourite address - didi ! kids just fresh out of school... all trying to be world-wise, learning the ways of the world...infact, some seemed a lot world-wiser than my old self !
and for a brief moment, i contemplated how it would feel to work around these young tots ! fresh-faced bubbly little chums ! i wondered if they had something i had lost in the process of growing up - not the vivacity, nor curiosity...i have enough stock of these... but wide-eyed hope !
with age comes a maturity, a general acceptance of things the way they are.. you know what is and what isnt within your power to do or to control. you know certain things are best left to destiny.. it does not mean you succumb without a fight, but that the giving up of arms comes after a great deal of thought - it means you know you cannot keep fighting destiny with worn-out tools only designed to make a fool of you, but you also know to keep your eyes and ears open for that chance opening of a door, that transient parting of clouds that lets in just a streak of hope.
with age, comes a confidence, from knowledge, but also from ignorance. you know the strength of your powers, of your knowledge, but you also know its limitation. you know when to open your mouth and when to keep it shut lest you become famed for your foot-in-mouth syndrome !
with age, comes a purpose to life, a proper listing of priorities, a set-out agenda.. which makes the little defeats of life bearable.
with age, comes self-realization... where one knows what one truly wants,yearns,craves for...
with age, one understands enough to know what is accepted of you from society, and still has respect for the deeper,truer feelings of the heart - and the fine line that distinguishes the two is at once all too clear, and yet too maleable and pointless.
with age comes love.. when finally the quest is over, the quench satiated, the heart is at rest and the realization that love is,love can be, dawns with a maddening brilliance.
with age, comes an inner peace from the turmoils around.. because you begin to see the deeper human nature lurking through human behaviour.. you know people never intend to hurt, they just want to reinstate the validity of their existence.. and mostly are too afraid to say they are afraid, and what vents out as anger and insult is just fear.
with age comes humility, with age comes self respect, with age comes beauty - the wrinkles and greying notwithstanding :)
for what is ageing but a gradual,beautiful unfolding of the person that is you, an inward journey to find what lies at the core of one's being...strengths,weaknesses,courage,timidity,laughter,sadness,joy,tears,love,acceptance,denial,wanting,dreaming...

and so, when i go today, i know i will be at a lot more ease, knowing i have something they are yet to achieve .. and absorb the atmosphere of excitement and curiosity and feel very much at home.

sunshine,dew n drizzle

Studying in a convent has its own advantages and um...advantages...

The motto of the school i studied in was "love in service"...and we were given ample opportunities of putting it in practice. It is a great learning experience when you see your teachers put into practice what they preach. So, it kind of stuck. In my head.

Cut to that fateful day of admissions when i had to decide what career option to choose.

Dad : pick IT. it is the in thing. if you r not getting into IT, pick something related to it. Pick EC, electronics, computers...you have a great spread to pick from....

Me : Dad ! i am NOT working with machines. i need to work with real live people, i need to know that i am making a difference.

Dad : u and ur silly school ideals !

Me : u and ur silly money spinning ideas !

End result : as i cudnt make it to medicine, i had the option to pick Dental ( naah...i am NOT putting my hand into anyone's mouth ! ) and so i took physiotherapy.

Over the years, i have seen classmates and school friends with apparently lesser scores, make their way up the career ladder...and boy ! did i feel bad ! those that got into technology, were making money like anything, and had such hot steaming careers...and many a cloudy day had seen me lamenting that moment of emotional decision making...

But till today, every time I see a patient, which is pretty rare, since having a young kid and all...but every time i interact personally with a patient, it feels so gratifying...so satisfactory...i dont mean to sound like a saint or anything...you see, i dont for a second assume that i am making them feel good...its me that is feeling oh so good...I am doing it for entirely selfish self-oriented self-centred reasons... I know this is what i was meant to do...I know its my calling...

Those who have ever been in that place, bringing joy to a stranger, know how immensely quenching it is...and we all have been there in some way...doesnt have to be a patient doctor thing...we do it for random people around us, for our co-workers, our maids, our grandparents, our parents, strangers, anyone...

I also know i can afford this i-dont-want-money-i want-to-help attitude because i am not the chief bread winner of the family...if i had been, who knows what i would do...so thats one thing i am thankful for...

If you haven't tried this yet, maybe its time...try it once, i promise you will be hooked...it may not be everyone's thing, but it may be yours, how will you know until you never try it...and always bear in mind that you are doing it for your own self interest...that helps put it in perspective...it stops you from idolizing yourself...

how often in life people wander from pillar to post in search of something that soothes,heals,pacifies...is it food ? is it money ? is it power ? is it physical intimacy ? no...none of these... its love that soothes, love that heals, love that pacifies, love that quenches...and this is love too...love doesnt have limits, it cant limit itself to one person, so let it come out from all over...all around...let it ooze out, you will feel so much better...

i have indeed come to a point, where i would go to see my patient just for the sheer joy it brings me to see a smile on her face..the money be damned...and i am grateful, ever grateful, for being in a position to say so about money...its not about being altruist, its about total,unassuming pleasure...give it a shot...it works !